


Spectral Oasis

by strongjaw



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, Attempt at Humor, Control Ending, Destroy Ending, Established Relationship, F/M, Fluff, Missing Scene, Retrospective, Synthesis Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-31
Updated: 2017-09-30
Packaged: 2018-07-11 09:09:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 10,403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7041940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strongjaw/pseuds/strongjaw
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of chapters about Shepard and Kaidan occasionally meeting at the Spectre Office.</p><p>*Note: Edi/Joker mostly in the 6th chapter, with Shenko implied; can be read as a stand-alone</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Introductions

_"Spectre status recognized"._

Shepard turned to the sound of opening doors, clearly hearing that someone came to check the terminal. That was a rare thing to bump into another Spectre here. She'd just finished her updates and was going to head to the shooting range, but wasn't sure about it now.

There were not many Spectres, and it was kind of shame she knew even less of them. Still, it was nice to know that there was a place where she could gather her thoughts and blow off the steam.

"Hey Shepard, didn't know you're here," she heard a familiar voice. Kaidan. He'd just taken Udina's offer, yet Shepard didn't expect to see him out of the hospital so soon. He sounded as surprised as she felt, probably considering Shepard left the Citadel already. There was uncertainty in his eyes, his face still bruised a little, though he looked happier.

"Hey Kaidan, being busy already?" she pointed lightly turning to him. Kaidan still stood in the door frame. "Or is it Spectre Alenko now?" she smiled reassuringly to him, and he snorted. “First time here?”

Kaidan shifted still smiling: "Yeah, finally got out of the hospital, thought I could do something here if not going straight to action.” At her raised eyebrows he simply shrugged: “I still need a week or more before I can start using my biotics, and going in the field? Well, it'll take a bit longer I guess. I thought maybe I could contact Doctor Chakwas so she'd get me out of here, but I guess you're all busy on the Normandy..."

"I'm sure she'd be glad to see a familiar face again. We all would.” He smiled again at her words. “Karin saw you back on Huerta, though. She'd been working there when we arrived from Sol system.”

“Yeah, I heard that. I was in good hands anyway, and the Normandy without the doctor isn't the same. I'm glad she always supported you.” Even though they talked about Horizon before and seemed to clear the air, there still was guilt radiating off him, but he smiled weakly.

“I'm sure you'll be back soon, too. Meanwhile, need a little tour?" Shepard looked around and tried not to wince: what would she show here? He obviously couldn't join her at shooting range, and the terminal was something he could deal with himself just fine. Very smooth, Shepard.

But Kaidan just smiled again: "I'd like that. I guess there's gonna be more paperwork to do now, eh?"

"The perks of being a Spectre is that you don't have to report about everything." Shepard said with a smug voice.

Kaidan's grin grew wider: "Well, that's something I might get used to." Shepard snorted: she hated paperwork, especially now, keeping in mind hundreds of things, reporting to both Alliance and the Council. Hell, she forgot to reply messages sometimes. But they both knew that Kaidan would whine about the paperwork, and still fill all the reports perfectly and send them in time.

"What?" Kaidan frowned as though he read her thoughts, "I can let it loose sometimes." He crossed his arms on the chest.

"Of course, Major," she bit her lip not to laugh. "That's why you just got out from the hospital and headed here."

“Alright, you got me,” he raised his hands in defeat, now looking as amused. “But hey, I got lucky and met you here,” he said quieter, looking a bit nervous now. Shepard smiled: “You and me both.” It was great to have Kaidan around, and the thought that they might meet again here if not on the Normandy warmed her.

“Now,” she put her hand on his arm (and boy, that arm!), “what would you like to see first, me shooting things or some info about what you're gonna do here?”

“Hmm, both are tempting,” he smirked and covered her hand with his.


	2. Not throwing away my shot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Cerberus attack on the Citadel, so a bit angsty

Shepard was staying in front of the door not sure if it was a good idea. She needed to shoot at something after everything that happened, after Udina's betrayal and so many deaths, but at the same time she was so sick of the sounds of bullets and people screaming. Still, the Spectre Office was quiet and safe as usual so she could hide here. (And so could he, she remembered.)

 _“Spectre status recognized.”_ Okay, now she had no way back. Shepard braced herself and moved forward.

She couldn't lie to herself: after everyone she lost on Tuchanka and on the Citadel recently, she was now terrified that she might have lost Kaidan, too. She also was terrified to talk to him. It was exhausting, convincing him again that she had nothing to do with Cerberus, it was ugly to hear Udina accusing her and obviously manipulating Kaidan, and it hurt as hell when he didn't lower his gun when she did.

“Hey, thought I might find you here.” Her throat suddenly went dry when she saw Kaidan standing beside the terminal, his back to her. He didn't respond. Shepard stepped closer. “Kaidan, talk to me. Please.”

He sighed heavily. “You know, when I pulled the trigger I felt like I was at Jump Zero again,” he finally spoke. His voice was low, and he breathed heavily. “Seeing Udina talking like that... it felt like Vyrnnus making me do something I didn't want to do.” Kaidan turned his face to Shepard. “But this time, it was like I both had a choice and never did, you know? I felt both in control and totally lost. All I knew for sure is that I couldn't have killed you even if I had to. So I did the only thing that felt right.” He lowered his head as he pressed his hands to the terminal panel. He sounded angry.

“Kaidan, I know what you had to do, and I knew what I did when **I** pulled the trigger,” Shepard told him softly. “You're not the only one who killed him. Don't blame yourself.”

He chuckled bitterly: “Oh, I don't. If I had a chance I'd shoot this son of a bitch again. That's not the point. He wanted me to become Spectre just to cover his dirty business! Just to make me kill somebody he needed dead, and he thought I owed him or something for that! He'd find a reason, like he did this time, cause he knew how I hated Cerberus and how I couldn't let it go after Horizon...” Kaidan's voice dropped. He still was staring at the panel, gritting his teeth.

“But he didn't win.” It was a mess. Shepard remembered pulling the trigger when Udina pointed his gun at her and then hearing another shot. She thought Garrus or James took him down, but it was Kaidan's pale face that made her realize what happened. He'd made up his mind. “In the end, Udina couldn't control you.”

“He almost did. Shepard, how are you so calm, we could die out there because of him! Damn it, we could kill each other,” his eyes bored her face now, and she saw the same rage there that she had inside. That's why she needed to shoot at something.

Shepard pressed her palm to closed eyes. “I am not calm, I lost good people for the past few days and I'm mad that I couldn't do anything to save them,” she felt her voice raising but she couldn't help it. Mordin, Tarquin, Thane - it all felt even more terrible because there could be more. “They chose it themselves, all my friends who died, as well as Udina chose his path. And so did you, that's why we're both standing here, alive.” She put her hand on his shoulder. Almost whispering Shepard added: “I couldn't lose you too, I couldn't shoot you even if I had to.”

Kaidan exhaled loudly and turned to her. She saw pain in his eyes, and a shade of surprise. Whatever he expected her to say, it wasn't that. It's like he just realized that Shepard didn't hate him, after all. He turned to face her and put his arms around her. Holding her tightly, he muttered in her shoulder: “I'm sorry Shepard, for everything.”

“It's okay,” she replied quietly holding him back.

“It's not,” his voice crinched. “When the Collectors attacked the Normandy and you died, when we met on Horizon and I walked away, when I still doubted you on Mars, and now here? I hurt you every time, I didn't help you when you needed it, I let you down so many times and I wasn't here-” Kaidan couldn't finish.

“Today you were. You were being Spectre, and you did great. And you're here now,” she spoke trying to make him understand that she meant it. Shepard was relieved that at least something went right today after all the pain and betrayals, at least one life (more than one) was saved today. And the burden of this was something they could share. 

Suddenly she realized Kaidan was wiping her tears away, watching her closely. His concern was palpable, it laid across the lines on his brow and his tightened jaw. He swallowed hard and she saw he was fighting tears too. “Sorry,” he whispered again.

“Don't,” Shepard whispered and leaned to kiss his brow to make the lines go away, then his closed eyes. Kaidan inhaled sharply as if he was going to argue but relaxed and then pressed his brow to hers. They stayed silent for a while.

"I guess you've come here to check the terminal, too," Kaidan finally spoke, loosening the embrace. He seemed like gathering his thoughts. "I'd better go now. After you've done we could discuss my return to the Normandy... if you'd like that."

"Alright," Shepard agreed. "Take your time. Meet me up at the bay then."


	3. Of Makos, Thresher Maws and Reapers

_"Spectre status recognized"_ , Kaidan heard while nervously patting the floor with his foot, waiting for her. Bracing himself, Kaidan once again checked his pocket. He'd came up with his present long time ago, but never had a real opportunity, and this day seemed just perfect to give it.  
  
He left a message for Shepard to appear here in an hour, but she made it quicker. _If_ that was her, of course.  
  
"Kaidan, that you?" Shepard asked cheerfully, appearing in the doorframe. He smirked at her. "Who else would it be, Jondum?" Kaidan ran on the Salarian Spectre once or twice in the Office back when he was still recovering on Huerta memorial.  
  
"Nah, his messages are shorter and he'd storm somewhere else already without goodbye", Shepard laughed remembering Bau who tended to enjoy every – even dangerous – aspect of his work. She concidered that might define a perfect Spectre.  
  
Kaidan chuckled as well: "Must be exciting to work with that guy, much to learn and all."  
  
"You still think you need to learn how to be a Spectre, Major?" She was now smirking at him, using the rank on purpose. She knew it would work to lighten his mood.  
  
"Why, Commander, you want to give a grunt a hand?" He kept her eyes on her, accepting that little game they had. It wasn't serious, he guessed... but at least it was something.  
  
"I could," Shepard never stopped smiling, "I'm good with grunts".  
  
"So I heard, like Vega and that Krogan of yours." On the Shepard's quirked eyebrows he shrugged. "Both like explosions and destruction just like you."  
  
Shepard huffed, but couldn't hide the pride in her eyes. She didn't stop teasing him though: "Don't tell me you're scared of my bad influence."  
  
"Wouldn't be in your crew if I was," he parried, and that was truth. People he knew thought they were not worthy to serve on the Normandy, so they didn't even try to assign to the ship, but he'd felt that he belonged when he was lieutenant and he felt it now.  
  
"Well, nice to hear that," Shepard said humbly.  
  
"Actually, that's why I asked you to come," Kaidan cleared his throat and went to his pocket. She tilted her head. "Back on Earth, I found this and it reminded me of you."  
  
He took the gift out of his pocket and landed it on Shepard's palm. It was a little Mako model that sat on her hand perfectly. She looked surprised at first, confused even, but then her face was lit with another smile. All the good memories from SR-1 were filling her now. "Guessed it'd look good in your vessels collection, what do you think?"  
  
"That's incredibly cute, thanks!" She finally breathed out. Shepard looked so happy and younger than just a few minutes ago, and though they both knew they had a job to do and the war to fight, there still was something no one could take away from them.  
  
"I wanted to cheer you up before the trial when they locked you up but they never let me," Kaidan spoke quietly, trying to keep whatever magic made Shepard smile again. "Wish I had the guts and some Spectre skills to break their stupid rules and let you know I'm on your side."  
  
She glanced at the model in her hand once again and sighed. “Thanks for saying this now, it's good to know someone still thinks I'm sane for doing what I do."  
  
"Well, your way of dealing with things is a bit... disturbing sometimes, but it works, and I-- the crew believes in you even when you doubt yourself." Kaidan said stuttering a bit. Shepard lifted her head looking at him.  
  
"Wait, and by disturbing you meant my driving skills, right? That's why the Mako?" Though she was still smiling Kaidan saw the ice in her eyes.  
  
"Of course not!-- I mean, in a way, alright," he blurted out, and she crossed her arms on her chest. "You have to admit that going straight ahead no matter how hard it might be to climb a hill is a reason to be worried, Shepard.”  
  
“Nonsense.” She scoffed and shoved him in the shoulder.  
  
“Ouch!-- Probably deserved it. But I give you that, you always managed to take our asses out of trouble no matter what." He continued peacefully.  
  
Her face softened. Kaidan went still studying her face. She was looking at the Mako again, considering what she just heard. Finally, she spoke firmly: "So, no matter what stunt I throw the next, you-- _the crew_ would still support me?"  
  
"Yes. I know that _I_ would. We trust you, Shepard, to lead us through the hell and purgatory, even though you've already done the latter.” She raised her eyebrows but laughed shortly. “And we all will try our best to match you."  
  
"Heard about Purgatory from the news?" She smiled crookedly. Kaidan laughed, “Yeah, and that almost made me believe all the rumors saying you were alive”. He felt comfortable enough to mention Shepard's past with Cerberus, but these times were not what he missed.  
  
"Look, you were on Rannoch today, killing the Reaper on foot--” He sighed heavily. “Yeah, I know you've done this with Thresher Maws before, just... remember you don't have to do this all alone, okay? I know the risks, so I'm not even trying to convince you not to do anything stupid, you know. Just... have a back up. The gift is kind of a reminder.” He wanted to tell her he would regret losing her again, and never giving her this present, and never see that smile again, but he'd already said a lot.

Shepard wasn't entirely happy with that pep talk, but the Mako in her hands seemed to convince her, and her lips turned upwards slightly. “I remember the similar speech from you back on SR-1, you know, about having a back up, and considering what happened next I should've listened earlier...” She waved her hand and paused. “I appreciate it, Kaidan. I can't put any of you guys on the risk more than necessary, but... I guess you're right.”  
  
“Good to know,” Kaidan smiled again and took the Mako out of her hands. She gaped at him, but he continued like nothing happened. “Alright, now when we've sorted it out... have you eaten since your, uh, last stunt?” Kaidan didn't even try to restrain the laughter when Shepard rolled her eyes.  
  
“I don't remember eating even before Rannoch, so I guess you have the answer. And I still have lots of reports to fill, it'll wait.” She said trying to have her model back.  
  
Kaidan pulled away and chuckled again: “Don't even think about it, we're going now. I know this place that has steaks, and I'm buying, so come on.” He headed to the door.  
  
“Well, I guess my bad influence is working already, since Spectre Alenko decides to spend the night with the meal over the reports.” Shepard snickered, winning at least here. Oh, she had no idea. Kaidan turned to her:  
  
“No, I decide to spend the night with amazing Commander,” he winked though blushed a bit realizing what he just said, but Shepard just kept laughing and placed her hand on his arm.  
  
“Well, _you're_ the Major, lead the way.”


	4. Life, uh, finds a way

Kaidan was in the elevator when his omnitool gleamed.

[Shep]: _meet me at the Spectre office asap, I have some good news x_

He half-smiled, raising his eyebrows in surprise. Somehow every visit of the Citadel looked less like escape from war and more like a distant fight against it. It was probably hope that even after Cerberus attack this place was still holding up, no matter how tough the situation became. It was after their misfortune on Thessia though when Kaidan doubted what to do now. With Liara still mourning, Shepard coping with the guilt, claiming the failure her own responsibility, the crew felt desperate and exhausted. Their plan was obscure, and they really could use a shore leave, but only for a short time: the Reapers never rested.

He entered the Office. _"Spectre status recognized."_  
  
Shepard told him she would be preparing to their new mission, searching anything about Cerberus activity and specifically Kai Leng. Kaidan thought it must be some new piece of information, or some clues about that Leviathan thing Shepard and EDI were investigating. He was eager to hear any good news right now. Plus, they got some time to spend in private.

Shepard, busy as usual, stood near the console checking her omnitool. Kaidan walked behind her, placed his arms around her and used that low voice he knew she liked. "Hey Shepard," the biotic greeted her. She sighed and shivered pleasantly and turned her head to peck a quick kiss, but returned peering at her omnitool again. He tried to peer it from her shoulder. "So, what's up?"

"That's kind of surprise." Shepard finally puzzled, turning the omnitool off. "At least I hope it is. It's on your Spectre channel."

Kaidan looked confused: he'd already checked the terminal before. "Uh, alright? What's going on?" He hesitantly let go of her and went to the console.

Shepard bit her lip nervously, hiding her smile. "Just try it, it should work." Kaidan looked at her suspisiously, but couldn't hide the grin: she looked excited for him to find out something. He patched his 'tool through.

The comm was now online, and for a while there were just noise and statics, but then they could see a male silhouette. The voice was barely recognizeable.

" _zzt--_ is this working?.. _zzt--_ hear me?" Kaidan furrowed his brow:

"Yes, just hold on, I'll try to clear the signal up-"

" _zzt--_ Kaidan? --that you?.. _zzt--_ " The sound was almost clear now, and Kaidan gasped. He turned his face to Shepard whose face lit, too.

"Dad? You there? It's actually you?" He started nervously. He looked through the onmitool once again, so now the sound went almost without noise. The image was better now, too, and Kaidan could recognize Anton Alenko's uniform and his scarred face.

He was smiling, nevertheless: "It's me, son. Good god, I'm so glad to see you." He sounded chipper _._  Kaidan let out shaky breath -  _alive_. He found Shepard's hand and gripped it tight.

"Dad, you're okay?--" Shepard tugged him in response and leaned in closer.

"Yeah, though I know, I look like hell." Alenko Sr. chuckled. His white hair were longer than Kaidan saw last time, his face was thinner and paler... "We're managing. I was surfing radio when your friend found me and patched me to admiral Anderson - and you. So, now you know, too: we're still fighting."

Kaidan peeked at Shepard: "Friend? Did you?--" He wondered quietly.

"Our Broker friend did." Shepard hinted with a little smile. "If you want, I can leave you two to talk--" She didn't want to go, but it would be fair to let Kaidan take some time alone with his father.

He shook his head: "No, stay." His arm was now around her torso, as proving his point. Shepard leaned in to him, brushing his cheek with her lips.

Anton cleared his throat. "Care to introduce us?" Shepard paused blushing a bit, and Kaidan smiled sheepishly. They'd already stood like that in the Normandy comm room some time ago, when Shepard contacted her mother. Hannah was amused as well as happy for her daughter.

"Commander Shepard, sir. Nice to meet you, Kaidan told me a lot about you." She saluted, smiling, and Kaidan simply nodded at her words.

"Why Commander, I knew my son used to fly with you, but I had no idea you serve together right now! Colonel Anton Alenko." Kaidan's father saluted in response. "It's an honor."

She put her hand on Kaidan's chest: "Your son is amazing, sir. I'm glad to finally see who raised him this way." By the way Kaidan held her tighter and buried his nose in her hair she knew he was blushing. Anton laughed shortly.

"It's Anton, please. And don't thank me, he's his mother's copy. Besides, I heard from Kaidan about you a lot, too. I hope he told  _you_ all these things."

"He sure did." Shepard looked fondly at her lover. Anton approvingly hummed: "Well, never hurts to remind, am I right?"

Kaidan coughed and muttered: "Dad..."

His father chuckled: "Am I embarassing you, son? You might be Major, but you're still a kid to me."

"Anything not to feel old, huh?" Kaidan shook his head. "Well, I'm glad you're in one piece. Have you heard from mom lately?"

"Not yet, but I'm trying to contact her." Anton frowned a bit. His voice was firm though. "I'm sure that means they hid well. And she knows how to defend herself and others. God, I'm so proud of you both." He sighed.

"Thanks, dad." A small smile lit Kaidan't face. "I hope you find her soon. This channel will work no matter what, I think, so let me know if you get any news, okay?"

Anton nodded. "You too, Kaidan. We'll be okay, since Shepard's on our side."

Shepard blushed a bit: "That's humbling, sir... Anton."

"And that's not just words. For what I heard about you, and I heard a lot, you can do the impossible. You and you crew can end this war. Just don't forget that we believe in you. Hold tight."

Kaidan held her firmly, and for the first time since the disaster on Thessia she felt reassured, and grateful. They all needed this boost to remind themselves that they still fight, they still have their chances. That Earth - and the war - is not lost. "Thanks, we'll do our best."

"We will, dad, thanks." Kaidan agreed. "Take care."

Smiling again, Anton saluted: "Will do, you too. We need you both alive. Alenko out."

The comm went offline now, and Kaidan inhaled and articulated what was on his mind all this time since the call started. "God, he's alive. Thanks, Shepard." He turned to Shepard fully, never letting her out of embrace. She put her hands on his shoulders, while her lips met his.

"Don't thank me. It's Liara, actually." She breathed. Kaidan nodded, encouraging her to tell the whole story. "After Thessia... well, she needed to distract herself. She's been searching for all the help as Shadow Broker for months now, but these days were the hardest for her, so Tali, Traynor and EDI volunteered to help here and there. They helped with evacs from Thessia, plus Garrus linked useful info, so they found MIAs and helped them on Palaven and Earth... And then Liara told me they located your dad."

Kaidan felt huge wave of appreciation for Liara. Always thinking about others, even suffering herself.

"But why Spectre office? I mean, not that I complain, but we talked to Anderson and Hannah on the Normandy..."

Shepard had this smug face she always had when she knew something Kaidan didn't. 

"The comm's a bit busy right now." At his raised eybrows she added: "We decided to start some private comm sessions for those whose friends and family were found. You know, to keep morales. Besides, I thought you would need some time alone."

"That's very thoughtful," Kaidan noted sincerely. He nestled his head in the crook of her neck. "Thank you for this, Shepard. I... you have no idea how much that means to me. I'm pretty sure the crew feels the same way."

Shepard shuffled his hair a bit. "That's why we did it. You found dad. James, as far as I heard, was trying to contact his uncle. Garrus made sure his family's made it from Palaven..."

"I heard Tali was searching somebody, too..." Kaidan lifted his head. Shepard again grinned at him.

"Yeah, Kal'Reegar." He hummed in recognition. Though they never actually met, he heard about Quarian commando a lot from Shepard and, obviously, from Tali.

"There were Alliance news from Palaven... said his squad was killed in action. Turned out, they were wrong. Reegar and some of his soldiers were evacuated by Turians. Battered and infected... but still alive."

Kaidan breathed in relief. "Tali's over the moon, I guess".

Shepard snorted at his choice of words: "You could say that." They stayed in comfortable silence for a bit.

One thing bothered him, though. "Strange I had no idea about it." Kaidan murmured, absent-mindedly looking at the terminal.

"Well," Shepard mused, "Liara told me only after Thessia. Thought we had a lot work to do as it were. As if two Spectres couldn't change their schedules for their friends. I saw some messages from Kahlee Sanders to Anderson at Liara's terminal, and once I overheard she was checking Joker's homeworld. I never realized how much work she really does. She's been holding out a lot."

Kaidan nodded. "Can't blame her, I guess. I mean, being Shadow Broker and all... Thessia tragedy and what happened to her mother." He still shivered when he remembered Noveria, not because of the weather, but the rachni crawling out of nowhere and Benezia, the brilliant and stunning Asari who still had been indoctrinated. If felt like no one was safe from the doomed influence.

Shepard was in a better mood, though. She was still smiling warmly. "Her father's talked to her, though. Liara's, I mean. Ethita helped a lot here, made her realize something, I guess. You saw her on the Citadel, remember?"

"Yeah, I do now." Kaidan shifted awkwardly. "Never thought I could hear a Matriarch being called father. I thought Asari themselves have more... adequate terms for that."

Softly laughing, Shepard hummed. "Never thought of that, but I'm sure they do. 'Parents' might not be the best word describing them at all, as gender-oriented terms."

"Samara's great mother, though. And a good justicar." Kaidan assumed. She almost immediately fired:

"Yeah, but at what cost? Keeping your daughters at a _monastery?_  And how are they supposed to live knowing that they could kill all alive? The worst part is that they were not responsible for being born like that. This is just a mess--" Shepard lowered her head sighing. It seemed she was thinking a lot about it. "You know," she stated, "when I was back on Huerta recently meeting Jacob... he told me Brynn wanted to call their child Shepard. I thought back then, how crazy is that, choosing your future kid's name, thinking about having one in the times like this."

"Life is always a mess." Kaidan slowly stated, taking her hands in his. "You saw it yourself: people facing war might do the most insane... and the most beautiful things to each other." He was looking at her, waiting for her to meet his eyes.

She smiled weakly, "Anything to help you sleep better?"

"It's not _my_ sleep I'm worried about," Kaidan spoke softly. "I know it's always a tough call, but the crew's here to help you, more ready than ever."

He already knew what Shepard would answer though.

"What if I'm not ready? What if there's no future no matter what we do?"

"Shepard..." he exhaled.

"I know," she interrupted, "it's not over yet. And you don't have all the answers, too, sorry. It just... scares me, that we would get to decide for the whole galaxy."

"Tomorrow terrifies me, as do Reapers, but look at where we are so far. We'll protect as many people as we can so they and their children can grow strong. And they will." He continued after a pause. "I have heard about Tuchanka. Wrex made you their national hero because you are one. They see you and they have new hope." He kissed her palm, the gesture that reminded them both of their reunion, and Shepard traced the line of his jaw. "And when I see you, I see the future ahead. Our future, Shepard. And it's worth fighting for, you know." He pressed her other palm to his lips sealing these words. 

"You're sweetheart, Kaidan," Shepard ran her hand through his hair. It felt like before Ilos again: they were together, but something much bigger was ahead of them, and it didn't care what they felt. The only thing they could was grip to each other and move forward. "Let's get out of here, there're Hackett's orders to have a proper shore leave at some new apartment."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I'm not entirely happy I had to come up with father's name and rank myself (thanks Bioware). Please also note that this Shepard is Spacer, so yep, she has mother.
> 
> I guess there will be one or two last chapters, probably three, considering the endings. I have no idea how to handle them yet though, but I just feel that one won't be enough. (I don't really like any one of them, so you see my struggle.)


	5. epilogue I. Control

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The plan is to write for all the three endings. Starting with my personal favourite (yeah, I know I'm terrible). So, uh, obviously I'll go with the canon here. Pure angst.

_"Spectre status recognized."_

The wave of desperate nostalgia washed over Kaidan as he entered the office. It'd been almost two years since the end of the war, and the Reapers managed to rebuild what was left of the relays. The Citadel was now used for political purposes only and wasn't populated - the wound was still raw, so there were no skycars, only rare shuttles, no chattings and other traces of people's presence, mostly holograms and few embassies workers - or Spectres, like him. The Presidium looked desolate rather than peaceful, and the other wards stayed deserted though repaired; haunted even. And, of course, there were the Keepers that were carefully avoided now, after finding out about their part in the war.

If it wasn't for the Council, he wouldn't be here either, Kaidan thought grimly. Well, not that exactly: two days ago, his omnitool had glimmed, showing that his private Spectre terminal received a high priority message. His curiosity won over the nausea of being here.

When the door behind him closed, the low hum of the station became more comfortable. It was here where this quiet always belonged, after all. Occasional buzzing of the terminal, shooting range always looking more like showcase - malfunctioning today, Kaidan supposed. He didn't really care to find out, tired of shooting long ago. (Thankfully, he didn't have to use guns these days, though he couldn't help but carry his M-77 Paladin. A habit, yes, but also a precaution.)

Breathing out, Kaidan stepped to check the terminal. He didn't know what he wanted to expect. Going through official congratulations and gratitudes, suggestions for promotions, petitions to make repairs high priority and rearrange supplies... it was unbearable for him. Finally he saw it. An encrypted message from Commander Shepard. Two days ago. His thoughts were of her mother, even though it was impossible. The whole situation was impossible, but who would've hacked the secret channel?

He looked up the message and found the link to the vidcomm that he was too eager to open. This had to be some kind of trick, but it took too much efforts to not be important.

"Specter Kaidan Alenko, we greet you," pronounced distorted mechanical voice. Kaidan froze.

He was hit by déjà vu when he saw the Reaper hologram. They usually connected on important occasions with the Counsil and the Military Commands only, and Kaidan held his breath. "You know me?" was all he could say at first. Even though it's been a while he still felt a rush of anxiety remebering Virmire and their first contact with the Reapers. Aside from that, the very fact this machine had to contact him was disturbing.

"We watched, we studied, we remember you. You seemed to be close to Commander Shepard." The Reaper answered. Not that it cleared the air, Kaidan just felt uneasier than before.

_Goddamn it, Shepard._ He was exhausted of constant remindings of her everywhere, both in hero-of-the-hour way and gossips about him and how he was coping with the loss. He cleared his throat: "I... I used to."

"We have Shepard's memories." That sounded as a matter of fact, but not hostile like it did on Virmire. "You were very... special to her."

Kaidan's brow furrowed. "How come you have her memories?" He asked dully. That didn't make any sense. Nobody even knew how the Crucible worked, there were no answers apart from what the Reapers told.

"To activate the Crucible Commander launched herself into the Catalyst and changed our code." They repeated the same thing they told the Counsil right after the end of the war. Kaidan waited for the further explanation, not sure if he wanted to believe that.

"She was explained that was the way to control us. That is not what happened, but Commander had her impact in our modification. We no longer find cycle form of organic life sufficient, as we don't find harvest acceptable form of ours."

Kaidan thought about it a lot since he'd first heard about it. "So she just... rewrote you? Like Legion reprogrammed the Geth?"

The Reaper paused, as if considering what to say. "That is correct. She, as the organics say, gave us new purpose. Commander had been given a chance to destroy us - and every synthetic life that evolved in this galaxy. But she chose the other path."

"Of course she did," Kaidan muttered under his breath.

The Reaper's tone was even, as if ignoring his comment: "In that case, your analogy with the geth is appropriate. Her sacrifice was meaningful not only for every organic, but for the synthetic life as well. It appeared that we had underestimated organics' trait called empathy and mercy." The Reaper's voice slightly changed, or so Kaidan imagined; but it seemed to have more human, particularly feminine tone. "Shepard was the one who proved us wrong: the organics don't see the synthetics as their servants - or enemies - and accept them as another form of life."

Kaidan thought about EDI: she used to ask him questions about human behaviour to better accommodate the society and he didn't notice when he started thinking about her as a crewmate, another person he worked with, not an AI that ran the ship. Shepard was proving EDI her right to live as organics, literally till her dying breath.

That also reminded him of Quarians, who now lived peacefully with the geth on Rannoch. There were conflicts, sure, but after the war everybody tried to cherish what they fought for so long. After all, they didn't lose so many people to have another cycle of aggression and losses. They conflicted, but learnt to deal with it in negotiation. As painful as it had been for Kaidan to admit, it all seemed worth it. He'd dealt with it, or convinced himself he did. Didn't really matter at that point.

"Well," he finally sighed, "I'm glad we trust each other enough to talk about it. But I guess there's a reason for you to tell me how Shepard died?"

"Many memories of her are connected with you. Last ones are not an exception." The Reaper stated pointedly. Kaidan felt nagging pain in his chest.

"That's not very comforting, you know." He grumbled just in spite the machine that wouldn't understand his sarcasm. It wouldn't make him laugh eigther, but it felt a little better.

The Reaper paused again. "We did not wish to upset you, we just decided you need to know that."

Kaidan snorted. He knew for sure what Shepard felt towards him: she said it right before she went to die. His head started pulsing slightly. The pain from migraine would distract him from thinking of her death - again - and for once it was a good thing.

"We kept her last thoughts when she started reprogramming us. We believe you might want to hear that."

"What? I... Wait," The biotic was stunned. He spent weeks replaying the same messages, months remembering all the things she'd ever said to him, and to hear something that he didn't already know by heart...

Was it worth it? Would he let her go after that, again?

"Why would you do that?" Kaidan breathed. "Why now and here?" He still needed some time, frantically trying to decide what to do. The pain slowly gathering in his temples didn't help.

"We believe this is a personal matter, and we decided that you would need some space alone to receive the message. Besides, that was the only way to get your attention and prove you that it is not a deceit."

Fair enough. But still, too much to process. Kaidan decided that he'd been living beyond too much for two years already. (Four with Alchera, he winced.)

"Alright, I'm ready, I think," his voice trembled. Shepard would snort at him for being a terrible liar.

When he heard her voice Kaidan thought he was imagining it. His own thoughts echoed in hers.

_"Goddammit, Shepard,"_ she half growled, half panted.  _"You were just supposed to kill those bastards,"_ another pant,  _"but no, it had to go sideways even at this."_

Kaidan almost groaned when her words, her familiar intonations, her emotions sank in. It was Shepard, alone again, with another tough call ahead. For the hundredth time he though: I needed to be here with her. His eyes burned.

The transition continued: _"I know Anderson would hate that, but... Legion, EDI, I can't sacrifice what they achieved."_ Her speach was abrupt, it gave Kaidan an idea that she was trying to concentrate on moving forward, wherever she was.  _"This is too important. They learn, they reprogram, and maybe it's naive, but don't we all evolve?"_

He was catching every word, tensed when he heard Shepard's frantic gasp:  _"Fuck, what if it doesn't work and they just wipe us out again? The kid might lie or... indoctrinate me? Shit, am I even alive anymore?"_ The panic in her trembling voice was devastating.  _"Is this some kind of twisted purgatory?"_

Waves of pain started going through Kaidan's head. She didn't deserve all this madness, he kept repeating to himself. They forced her to do something she wasn't trained for - hell, no one was!

 _"Should I just go and shoot this damn thing... ugh, won't make it, too far. Shit..."_ She was in lots of pain, Kaidan realized. His biotics started glowing, not making the migraine easier. He forced himself to settle down. Shepard's thoughts continued flowing in frantic pauses and repeatings: _"Legion... Legion did it twice - no, three times, and it worked. Don't know what he did, but if it'll look like another geth consensus..."_ She was exhausted. _"Okay, I'll melt my mind before it's all over if I don't just go..."_

Another gasp after a while.  _"The Normandy and-- Kaidan... Oh Kaidan, god... I'm so sorry."_

Her voice was so soft when she said his name the second time, like she always spoke when they were alone, when her face was millimeters from his, gentle whisper full of hope, or lust, or despair. Every time she said his name (even when he couldn't hear it) seemed to be centered in this last time she ever could pronounce it.

_"He'll never hear that, and I had to leave him again. For good now. He was right, after all... this was goodbye."_ Regret and fatigue in her voice became another stab in Kaidan's heart. He sobbed involuntary.

_"The crew... I hope they're fine. They have to fight, even now, even after. For what's it worth. Well, easy for me to say..."_ She chuckled grimly, and Kaidan imagined her crooked grin hiding real emotions and pain. The tears were dropping on his uniform - he couldn't wipe them away anymore.

_"Mom... what would she say? Didn't even call her from London, damn it..."_ Hannah wasn't herself since she never said goodbyes to her daughter, though she kept her face even in front of Kaidan. He didn't know how to pass Shepard's last words to her. After a pause there was another chaotic bit: _"I hope they won't forget me. Fuck, being scared of it when something much worse is ahead... priorities, Shepard."_ She grunted again. _"And it hurts too much. Can't walk faster, something must be broken... or everything..."_

It was a terrifying reminding from Alchera, when he didn't see her dying, but still had more than enough info to understand what happened, to imagine it again and again, to die with her a little every time. And now he was going to witness her death first hand.

_"Ash, Mordin, Thane... Anderson... gonna see you soon, just couple of steps..."_ Every new panting word felt like another punch in the guts. Kaidan lowered his head, gripping cold railing of the terminal, trying to even his breath.

_"I hope I won't see new faces on the other side, I better watch over them all from above, or something..._

_...Is it time to convert into a religion?..._

_...I just wanna know if I made the right choice..._

_...God, I hope that works..."_

The transmission went dead. Kaidan gasped, tears still in the eyes, when he lifted his head, waiting for something else, anything. The Reaper's hologram was still on, but the sound was only static.

"Is that all?" he called in shaking whisper. He needed to hear her again...

The Reaper was back: "Commander started the transference and activated the Crucible after that, but that was... painful for her, and her mind was harder to track and record."

"Probably for the best," Kaidan let out strangled sigh. It would be a torture to hear her suffering again, yet he knew it would not refrain him from listening. "I... appreciate this, I probably should go." He blinked, trying to clear hiw vision. His eyes were swollen, breathing erratic, and the migraine was pulsing mercilessly, but at least the lights were dimmed. The whole station was half-lit, but here it felt normal.

"Should you wish to keep the record..." The Reaper's voice was modulated as a choir, but this time Kaidan heard it. Heard her. That's what felt unusual this time - not only had she change the machines, she also didn't disappear completely, leaving her voice, her memories in the Reapers' structure. In the end, she left a mark for billions of saved souls, but now, he realized, it was true for much more species.

He did consider uploading all Shepard's messages - text, voice, probably even video ones - to create a matrix for VI that would... he never could actually name it, though. Replace? Help him deal with her death?

"No," he inhaled deeply, "No, thank you. Or I'll never let her go." The pain would never go away, he knew; but instead of nursing, he could control it. That was what Shepard would choose.

 


	6. epilogue II. Synthesis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mostly from Joker's point of view cause, you know, reasons. One more to go!

Joker was standing at the Office doors. With his, well... improved body he would easily hack the lock or, if it was a year ago, ask EDI to do it, but he didn't feel like it.

He reached out his arm to study. It didn't look foreign anymore, with all the chips through his skin and the immediate reaction of his new eyes - he could see pretty much everything any modern visor could, except now it was a part of his being. Of course he wasn't okay with this at first, and who would blame him, right?

* * *

_When they landed on the unknown planet - New Eden, they called it later - he glanced at the crew and saw that almost everyobody now stared at each other and the surroundings with glowing green eyes, incredulous they were still alive._

_"EDI," he called cautisously._

_An unusually warm voice greeted him: "Yes, Jeff?" It was familiar, sure, but it sounded like it she was intimately close and no one else could hear them, as if EDI was... well, human?_

_Joker looked at her and saw the same green chips enshrouding her body, the same green eyes. She was standing next to him, smiling._

_Everything was shocking at that moment: they were alive, the ship was still functioning, the world was quite friendly, the Reapers were supposedly defeated, and he had literally no answers for why that was happening._

_Except the fact that Shepard saved them all again. His brow furrowed at the thought, the guilt enveloping him again reminding of Alchera..._

* * *

"Jeff, are you alright?" the quiet voice echoed behind him. The embassies were usually crowded, but today was Victory day, so most people were at the ceremony and celebrations.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine," Joker quickly chirped, turning to EDI. He tried to smile, but she knew better. Of course, she could read him now - meaning not only his heart rate when he lied, but every forced smile, every time when he hid his eyes under the bill of his cap. They'd all changed, and sometimes Joker freaked out at how unplanned it was. What Shepard and Alenko had done was a salvation, a carte blanche for organics and the Reapers to start over, but it still felt uncomfortable sometimes.

...Which was a huge irony, because he of all people was supposed to be grateful the most - the woman he loved was now closer to him than ever. And he was grateful, but also exhausted. The cybernetics made the life easier, his Vrolick now reduced due to better metabolism and some more gibberish even Chakwas hardly understood herself, and still it felt wrong to be happy after so many losses. Tiptree was lost and he almost wasn't expecting good news anymore.

EDI didn't press the questioning, just stood beside him. "Do you want to come inside?"

"Not even if I was a Spectre, thank you very much," Joker snorted - sincerely, this time. The woman smiled at him. "Just wanted to pass by, say my thanks - y'know, without official nonsense."

The place was just another Office, but it meant a lot for those two who stopped the war, those whom he owed so much today.

"Still can't believe they made it." He murmured more to himself.

* * *

_What they knew was that Shepard and Kaidan made it to the conduit. They were up for some time with no response, and finally the arms of the Citadel opened. There were rumors and speculations after that, that Shepard and Kaidan somehow invested their DNA through the Crucible to every species. Pretty much like they did a few months before that with the Shroud on Tuchanka. If Joker wasn't there, he would hardly believe that, but here he was, and here EDI was, too, alive in all of the senses._

_Turned out it took both Alenko and Shepard's DNA since there were unexplained cases of people gaining biotics. Jeff wouldn't be surprised if he had it too, but wasn't too eager to find out. To each his own, after all. Asari could choose if they wanted to be biotic gods or something, and he chose as well. (And he strongly hoped that Geth with biotics were rumors. Cause that wouldn't be creepy at all.)_

* * *

EDI put her arm around Joker's waist, leaning in. "If I was able to sleep, I would say that I'm dreaming," she stated. After the metamorphosis (what they called synthesis) the AI was really into human (and dear lord, Hanar) poetry, looking for new ways to express herself. He smiled again, pulling her closer with familiar gesture. His hand absently caressed the material of the dress blues on her shoulder. She always was part of the SR-2 crew, and today she finally got a deserved medal for all the service.

Looking at his own shiny medal he sighed. "She was so right about how boring the ceremony would be. Shepard, I mean. Back on SR-1, when I bragged about pulling her ass out of volcano. Alenko didn't stop teasing me after that, even bought me a toy medal on the Citadel. "To the loveliest toddler." And I'd only started believing the guy had sense of humour." He chuckled at the memories. Good times, and Ash was alive. At least now she was not alone anymore, the Alliance trio now on the other side. "They deserved all the credit, and not only damn tribute; they should be here today, alive."

"Jeff," EDI softly pulled away to seek his eyes. He still wore his hat, always aware of how his eyes glowed. Yeah, everybody has them; didn't mean he enjoyed it. "I know you think it's unfair, but they did what they should have, you know that. Think about it another way: they were together when they activated the Crucible."

"Yeah, I remember Kaidan fussing about never leaving Shepard's side. Such a Golden Retriever of him. Don't get me wrong, I respect the hell out of this decision, but still," he insisted. "All the time they've won for us - they never had it, you know? They sneaked out to this office when they could just so no one would bother them, remember?" He motioned to the door in front of them.

"Of course I remember," EDI agreed.

"Of course," Joker grinned. "Your memory would be enough for both of us."

She hummed (when she started doing that?). "It is enough for the Alliance ship, so I think you are correct." She used her dry "AI" voice as indication that that was a joke.

"Aw, you spoil me!" he retorted smugly. They stayed in silence leaning in each other.

"Will you tell me more about Major and Shepard, what they were like when you were chasing Saren?"

Joker looked at her in surprise. "I thought you've seen the reports and all, EDI; you probably know it all (or at least remember) better than me, huh?"

"I know the facts," she smiled. "You knew them in person a for long time, and I'd like to hear about that. And perhaps tell the others. That's the least we can repay them."

He sighed. "I love you." Kissing her forehead, Joker slowly moved from the door to the elevator, arm still on EDI's shoulder. "Okay, 'guess I'll start with Eden Prime, then. Ah, that day I've made an ass of myself in front of the first Spectre I'd ever seen and pretty much everybody else."


	7. epilogue III. Destroy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My least favourite ending, tbh, and though I get it why it is likeable, it was hard to write something decent and believeable. I don't know how many times rewrote this piece and how many plots started and how many different places it all ended at, but they all were more about the world than the characters, so I cut it all down to those who stayed alive on the Normandy. I still keep my drafts about Earth, though they really seem irrelevant here. There were plenty of philosophy in previous final chapters, and I didn't want to make this one tragic and angsty more than it is. Hope you enjoy it and thank you for reading.

“Shepard? Shepard!”

She opened her eyes but saw nothing, blinded by the Reaper’s ray. The explosion made everything around her shake, and she layed there (somewhere) stunned by it, crushed under something heavy, not sure whose voice called her from afar.

“Shepard, you’re okay, the war is over! Can you hear me?” it was close though, and now that she could recognize it she let out a small nod, lips dry, limbs numb. She tried to swipe some sweat from her brow but couldn’t reach it with her hand. Shepard groaned, trying and failing to feel her own arm when the cold cloth covered her head. It felt better, and she could make out the lights and the sound, her drizzle backing away slowly. Somebody held her, and they tried to shake her back to her feelings.

“I’m here, it’s okay Shepard. It’s over,” the same warm husky voice desperately chanted in whispers, and she now had that piece of puzzle solved.

“Kaidan,” she whispered back.

“Yes,” he almost cried now, getting the cloth away from her face, kissing her brow and holding her closer.

“Where am I?”

 

_ They named the place they landed on New Eden. As a reminder of Eden Prime where everything started and as a fresh beginning that they got a chance to have. It was hard to get used to the silent ship again - they had to mourn EDI among other lost crewmen, and the body in co-pilot’s chair looked disturbingly vulnerable, as they missed a real person - and they did. They kept missing people all the damn time. _

_ Anderson was mourned, too. The small team that surfaced on the Citadel after the Crucible fired saw his dead body. As painful as it was for Kaidan (he was battered and even wounded Vega looked better), it had to be Liara and Garrus who searched through the dead Citadel as fast as they could with Chakwas ready to stabilize as many patients as they were so hoping to find alive. _

_ Surprisingly, it was Javik who volunteered to help track Shepard’s signatures: the Prothean could sense her presence, given that he had done that before, so he did find her, even though she did not respond. The Commander was almost buried in the rubbles of burnt metal in critical state, but they managed to extract the body - no,  _ **_Shepard_ ** _ , - and when they finally made it to the ship, Joker, who had to watch one of his friends being killed and the other going to certain death voluntarily, heartbroken, but steady, blasted the engines in attempt to get away from the wave of red and the opening singularity. They couldn’t stay in Sol system, but they were alive. _

 

Shepard smiled fondly. “I told you to get out of the system.”

“And you know Joker and the whole crew wouldn’t let me. The Normandy is not the same without you.”

“Well, it won’t be the same either way,” she sighed deeply.

They had this routine once in a month or so: Shepard getting a panic attack and dreaming about the Reapers in London, jolting up gasping and shaking, completely sure she’s still in the field trying to get to the beam. First time it happened, she didn’t remember anything that happened after, so Kaidan tried to help her fill the gaps by telling her what they saw, heard or guessed about the Crucible as Shepard recalled what happened when she was on the Citadel, completely alone, when the Reapers were destroyed.

“I remember now: EDI’s death is my fault. I guess you knew that.”

He did: she told him once, weeks ago, but he didn’t want to believe that.

“They gave me a choice, either we deal with the Reapers once and for all, or we try to coexist with them through some modifications, and killing them meant also destroying all the Reaper tech we had, including relays and AI...”

Kaidan gasped. “Shepard, it’s not your fault,” he rocked her in his arms gently. “No one should be given this choice in the first place, and you know that EDI would approve yours.”

“But this is the worst part, isn’t it? She  _ was  _ a person, after all,” Shepard sobbed. “I don’t get to decide for her and the only life I’d throw away to bring all them back is mine, but it’s too late, it’s done.”

 

_ They placed EDI’s body back to the AI core, now in hope that somehow they would find a way to revive her. Joker refused to leave the ship, understandable for his condition yet disturbing. He didn't go to the AI core either, mostly running scans in the bridge or helping in the engineer deck. Everybody had the aching scar of nearly losing Shepard and losing their old lives and families - no one could tell if it was a blessing to not know what happened to their close people. Jeff knew the answer all too well now, but that didn’t make it any easier. _

_ The crew was terrified with the condition Shepard was in; they barely could stabilize her when they’d found her, and she had needed lots of scans and and probably even more operations; for weeks she wasn’t conscious. Kaidan checked with Chakwas every minute he could, while the crew under his command started repairing the Normandy. The frontier team - people who were with Shepard from the very beginning - did great job, and soon due to Tali’s expertise Gabby and Ken could run the core again. It would take more time to actually fly again, sure, but the shuttles were already on the go, so first scout missions got started with Cortez, Garrus and Vega. _

_ New Eden was friendly enough and allowed the crew to provide the ship with necessities. It took some time to synthesize dextrofood, but even that wasn't a big problem in the end. _

 

“You did a great job here, Major,” Shepard admired.

He smiled: “The crew did.”

They sat in silence for a while, but then Shepard asked again how they’d found her, and Kaidan’s heart clenched for a hundredth time at the thought of almost losing her again. Seeing the pain on his face she only shook her head:

“Sorry,” she said in tight voice, trying to take his face in her hands and only now realizing what felt wrong when she woke up. Her left arm wasn’t in place. It just didn’t exist. Shepard stared at the half of limb that remained.

“We made a prototype prosthesis, but it needs some improvement yet,” Kaidan tried. “Plus it doesn’t really suit with your sleep,” he winced.

“Yeah. No, it’s okay, I mean, I’m just surprised I’m still alive,” she chuckled. “The luckiest girl in whatever world we’re in now.”

“Right,” Kaidan sighed, softly smiling at her.

“It’s not luck that saved me, though. Never was.”

 

_ Most maps were still offline as well as the comms, and they basically were on a frontier. A new start, after all the losses, was refreshing, and thrilling, and of course scary, but with their Commander now alive they knew everything was possible. _

_ Shepard was awake, but suffered several burns and lost her left arm. She couldn’t walk for weeks after waking up, and she hated every second of being tied to bed, but every time Shepard remembered faces of the crew, Chakwas, and of course Kaidan when she saw them again. Smiling through tears, cheering in whispers - when she woke up she decided that even if she dreamt all of it, this is how she’d like to have it. So no, physio wasn’t easy, but nothing ever was. At least she had a ship to run, now mostly from her cabin, never in action, but still on the most point of it. _

_ They had lots of new anomalies to explore, hopefully new people to meet, and they were ready to discover every bit of the system they ended up in-- _

_ “At least as far as the fuel lets us,” murmured Traynor, and Shepard groaned. But the crew was laughing, and that was probably one of the first moments of sincere laugh, not “thank god we’re alive” one, which was also to perish. _

_ They didn’t have lots of resources, true. But if they located a relay (which had to be here somewhere), the crew decided, they’d be halfway home. _

 

“You know,” Shepard tiredly laid her head on Kaidan’s chest and heard him humming, “I never lived in colony.”

“Too busy racing through Mom and Dad’s military ships being a spacer brat?” he joked lazily and ouched laughing when she tickled him. “Okay, okay, what’s your point?”

Shepard kept silence, her hand tracing scars on his abdomen. “Maybe we could start it here, now.” She spoke softly. “Not just a settlement, I mean, a whole new life. We can’t wait for the relays to work forever, right?”

“I guess you’re right,” Kaidan sighed, taking her hand in his. “But it’s hard to let go, with all left behind. Earth, and Palaven, and--”

“I know,” she whispered. “I was just thinking...”

“Yeah?”

“I know how important it is to everybody, and I can’t decide for everybody, it’s just…”

“You wanna stay here?” Kaidan gently squeezed her hand encouraging her to talk.

Shepard nodded. “Surely I can’t make you stay, too, but you know that I’m no use in combat anymore, and more politics? I don’t feel that I’m fit for anything anymore.”

“Hey, hey, Shepard,” he sit in the bed, taking her in his arms and looking at her. “Don’t say that. You’ve had enough, but it didn’t break you. If you’re tired, I get it, and nobody’s going to push you, just don’t… be so harsh on yourself.”

“Well, technically it did break me,” she scoffed humorlessly, and when Kaidan frowned sighed. “I’ll be better, yeah, but never fully well, not soon enough, it’s just-- a little groundbreaking. Nobody pities me, and I appreciate that, but still...” she trailed off.

“I guess I could use some fresh air and just home, to try to be a human for once. But I can’t do that alone, I mean--” she waived her left arm - what was left of it.

“Wait, you thought I’d leave you here? Alone?” Kaidan stared at her in disbelief.

Shepard smiled sheepishly. “I can’t make you stay, you have the ship to run.”

“Come on, Shepard, don’t be ridiculous,” he nudged her. “I’m not even saying no one’s replacing you, but there’re plenty of competent people to become the Captain. And I’ll gladly stay with you here or anywhere else, I’m never leaving you again.”

“Alright,” she smiled, kissing him lightly, “I just hope it won’t be boring. Farming, building home, raising kids.”

Kaidan laughed. “Oh trust me, darling, it will be.”

“Wow, and I thought my pep talk needed improvement.” Sheard noted dryly. But he seemed to be in his thoughts.

“Except for the kids part. That will be all too noisy. You really might need your combat reflexes back.”

“You’re not getting out of this one, Alenko.” She warned. 

He laughed. “Wasn’t trying to.”


End file.
